And now, dear pilgrims of culinary ludicrousness, to the issue of work tone. By this, I am referring to the difference in the way people talk at work compared to the way they normally speak. On the one extreme, we have flight attendants, whose saccharine lilting is akin to the way that mothers coo at toddlers and oozes with an almost sarcastic note of concern. On the other hand, we have most bartenders who often sound as if they could give less of a shit about you. These are, of course, stereotypes but you catch my meaning- the verbal mannerisms we adopt in order to adapt.
The difference upon opening the restaurant is stark. We stand at toward the front, preparing for the onslaught of eager customers who press their faces to the (recently cleaned) glass, peering in at us like animals in the zoo, giddy with anticipation. The comments before opening are on the order of “Stop ogling us you morbidly obese bovine,” or “Just wait your turn turd-face,” or “you’re never getting in here poop-for-brains.” After opening, it’s “Welcome to Zemblanity ladies! We’re so happy to have you, right this way!” This mirrors the music on before and after opening. The cooks usually have on hard-core gangster rap in the kitchen, which is totally surreal in that glittery fantasy land, but when we open Mr. Charles will turn on some polite American Idol album or Christmas carols.
The waiter, Duncan, has the worst and most obvious work tone. His eyes grow wide and the music of his speech is a condescending sing-song that fools no one. As he stoops to gaze with sickly smile into the faces of diners, I wonder if they believe that they’re being openly mocked. It makes me laugh. Duncan, is a really lovely person, very nice and intelligent outside of work, he just has trouble lying.
The reasons for this charade vocal and physical performance are myriad. There is simply too high a volume of human interactions to be negotiated in all earnestness. Adopting “the tone” facilitates an ease of dialogue which can still be construed as polite and concerned. Another reason is that it is impossible to anticipate what sort of treatment a customer may require. The tone is a formal neutrality, a blank slate from which many interpersonal strategies may be launched. A service workers tone is further dictated by the social strata of the job. If the establishment is ritzy, the customer is payer for a higher quality of coddling. If you’re at a corner bodega, the expectations and probability of offense are low. At Zemblanity… I don’t know what people expect.
Politeness, after all, is a show. It is a ballet of gestures meant to imply kindness, generosity and benevolence. It is a gesture meant to put people at ease (again, like the cooing of mothers) and, in an explosive environment like Zemblanity, this comes in handy. It is a well-intentioned falsehood, which keeps the world from erupting.
I remember hearing an interview with David Bowie on the radio. He said that when he was first coming out with stuff like Ziggy Stardust, he was competing against a lot of folk like Bruce Springsteen. Most critics believed that Bowie was creating and playing these parts on stage, like an actor. Bowie said he felt that the singers like Springsteen were modeling themselves after the likes of Bob Dylan, wearing white T-shirts and jeans and trying their damnedest to show no signs of pretense. Bowie thought that these singers were putting on just as much a show, acting just as much, still playing a part. But by becoming Ziggy Stardust, he was admitting that it was a show, a projection, and he felt that his glam persona was actually more honest. Bowie thought explicit acting was more honest.
Maybe this is one of the reasons that my manner at work is so humorously exaggerated. My personal opinion is that customers don’t necessarily have to believe that I’m really like that so long as they enjoy the show. This is why I, and so many of the waiters, have little cards of funny interaction that can be pulled out and played in a number of situations. I like that Sam often greets his tables by saying “Hello thrill-seekers, are we ready?” I like that when they ask him what is good, he will tell them that if they choose something bad, he will sarcastically ask “Really?” I like that whenever Craig brings a hot-chocolate with whipped cream when it should have been without, he’ll laugh in a really obviously fake way and say “Just kidding!” I like that when Phil presents a sundae, he will say (in a very unconvincing way) “Ta-da!” These little performances do a number of things- they often make customers laugh or chuckle, make customers believe the waiter is “trying,” they allow the waiter a manner of attending to the customer without being overly disingenuous. Duncan could probably learn a thing or two from these older waiters. He’d probably make more tips.
Sometimes I get to talking in work tone to such a degree that it takes hours to wear off after work. I will finish talking to someone and say “enjoy!” but what would they enjoy? We’re not at a restaurant. Or I’ll hold open a door of a bar for someone and say, “right this way sir, come right on in.” What? Why am I talking like that?
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